So many things have changed since I last posted. I can’t even began to describe where my head has been at lately. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I’m safe and secure when I know deep down I’m not. I’m my own enemy.. My curiosity kills everything. Maybe I’m just better doing it all by myself.
School is getting ready to start.. I can’t even begin to describe how nervous I am. I have to do good or I’m out of there. I’m only taking thirteen credit hours but my worst enemy Chemistry is one of my classes. Maybe if I just go to class I’ll be good.. who knows. All I know is that I have to focus. If I focus.. I can maintain. I know that much. It’s just a matter of kicking all of the negativity out of my life.
I don’t even know.
As I sit here, I imagine the comfort I used to be infatuated withThe love I once soaked within my own skin — Nothing like it used to be.With my eyes closed I can see your face, your eyes, your smile.The memories both good and bad are nothing that I want to see.The emptiness you once left me to remember is nothing but the sound of the beat.Your smell it lingers as it tries to creep, creepCreep within my house hold as if I want it to be a memory.October — January — Months of nothing but hell.You used to say to me, “Time will only tell.”Thoughts, minutes, hours, days I’ve lost trying to find explanationAn answer I found, disaster is caused from hesisitationThe treasure laying on the left side of my chest is now again mineA battle I have lost, but the war I have overcome due to timeThe mirror distored to my soul a year ago is no longer fragile,the insecurities you once placed upon me, no longer a battle.Free — like the air placed in our lungs, fueling our beings,As I capture my beauty, you no longer see through me.Confronting my fears as I prepare to let go of time,the ghost of our past reminds me you weren’t ever fully mine.To let love die, one must let love go awayIf I just broke your heart, remember I only wanted you to stay.
Loves Deceit — Big Rube
Pleasure turns to pain
Of the lessons learned from strain
Of the questionsburned in my brain
About whether love is humane in its touch
These thoughts are like salmons swimming
Upstreamin the tears of your deceit
Fighting the currnet hurt that kills
more than is created by the chaos of our interwined emotions
Chaotic because the anchor of Eros’ arrow has been plucked
From the vessel of my undying infatuation
Separation not as simple as the distance between us
My mind no longer possessed by the demons that had been
The overseers of my enslavement to your lies
The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply they’ve
cracked the foundation of what we once shared
Allowing the faith in us i had sealed to gush out
Like a river ripping the image of our future together
From my thoughts as violently and as brutally as if
It were a child being taken from his its mother
I’m left surrounded in darkness but i refuse to be swallowedby it.
My lonliness like the night air
Invisible to the eye
Obvious to the touch
In its cold uncomfortableness
Yet if I could do it all over again
I’d do it in the same skin I’m in
To lay down and let love die
Just stay down and let love lie
No no not I
I’ll stay around and let love fly
Even though I’ve seen its darkest for Deceit
Nothin else could taste this warm or feel this sweet.
Lately, I’ve realized the standards that I have set for myself. It’s kind of disturbing to me — because I know I’m better. I try to keep my personal feelings/life away from social networking just because drama and rumors stir up but it’s obvious I have very few friends that even care anymore.
I’m twenty and I tend to forget that. I don’t know why I expect the people around me to act more mature than they really are, I guess I’m just ahead of a lot of them. I’m tired of people using me for what I have and what I am able to do. I have the biggest heart and I am willing to do damn near anything for the people I love…but yet most tend to fail me. It just hurts my feelings I guess. When I’m rich and wealthy, these people are going to try to be a part of my $$$ but heck no..I don’t have time for that.
I’m ready for a change..a change being physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’ve let so much go and let so many walk on me. I’m done being the doormat. I’m done being the good friend to those who could care less. I’m done feeling like I’m a second option. & most of all, I’m done waiting around for things that won’t change. I wouldn’t do it even if I could — but I can’t.
I swear I’m ready for change, bring it on — I’ll take as much as I can get.
It’s been awhile since I posted but I was in the shower yesterday thinking about what I could blog about next. I usually go on this pity party deal but I think Im jus gonna write something simple today. Something most of you do not know about me.
25 Random/Weird things about me:
1. I put my headphones in so people won’t talk to me.
2. I’m scared of the dark, I sleep with the closet light on.
3. I only trust MY driving.
4. I put peanut butter on my turkey sandwiches.
5. I sleep with a neck pillow otherwise I will be sore in the morning.
6. I usually leave the lights on no matter what.
7. If a guy doesn’t dress nice and wear nice shoes, he is a no go for me.
8. I drink unsweet tea with lemon and I HAVE TO HAVE TWO SPLENDA.
9. I talk to my dogs in weird, high pitched voices.
10. I love when people play with my hair when I go to sleep.
11. I take baths, all the time.
12. I like to wear my hair like a “lion”
13. I am always late.
14. I hate shaving my legs.
15. I’m really good at eyeshadow.
16. I secretly want the half-shaved Cassie look
17. When my head itches, I pat it
18. I have one green eye, one blue eye.
19. My alter ego should be a black woman.
20. My nails are always long and crazy colored.
21. I am scared to get fat.
22. I wish I could sing.
23. I’m very motherly — part of me wants kids now.
24. I’m very insecure and hate to be stared at.
25. I tell everyone that I love them, but I really don’t. *Suckaz* ;)
I’ve had time to sit back and gather my thoughts. In the past few days, I’ve felt anger. I’ve felt sadness. I’ve cried. I’ve basically fell apart. I talked to my mom last night and she told me I need to feel compassion. I need to be at peace with the problem in order to have peace of mind, peace in my soul. It’s ironic to me that I just wrote a blog a week ago talking about how I have closure and we’ve finally made peace.. At first, I was SO DAMN SELFISH and I’m always preaching about how I want to be selfless. All I could say was, “How could he do this to me?”… and then I thought about it, why am I acting like he did this to intentionally hurt me? His world is about to be turned upside down. I don’t want to be selfish. I can be mad at him, but at the same time, I need to be sympathetic to a certain extent. I know that it’s going to be rough, but I’m prepared. I need to feel the same peace I felt last week and at the end of the day, I need to be selfless. It took a lot for me to come to this place in my life, not talking about the problem happening right now. When I first started college, I didn’t even care. I used to come back to Muncie four times a week living in Indianapolis and being a full-time student. I screwed my g.p.a, I screwed up. I had to go to Ivy Tech and work really hard…being denied by BSU TWO TIMES… many didn’t understand why getting into BSU meant so much to me. I finally got in on the third time and thankfully, my g.p.a didn’t transfer so now I have the opportunity to do great things. I have the chance to make the Dean’s List (something that I thought was SO out of reach) I can finally be great C:
The title of this blog is nothing short of perfect: TIME MAKES ONE BLIND. It relates to so many things going on in my life. I want to be at peace and eventually, time will make me blind of the bad things going on in my life. It can only go up from here, I know this.
-“I didn’t wanna hurt you thats why I tried talking to you and telllin you a month ago. I wanted you. I told you when I was trying to talk to you that everything bad you wished upon me happened. Bk I still love and now im stuck because i know i lost u forrreal this time. I literally sat and cried, Imma miss u so much.”-“goodbye”-“Damn bk. Im so sorry and I’ll love you forever. I never wanted it to be like this and its my fault because it took too long to realize that it was u that was for me.”
———-
i tried to release.
“To be honest with you, I don’t have the words to make you feel better, but I do have the arms to give you a hug, ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about, and I have a heart. A heart that’s aching to see you smile again.”
October 1, 2010
The day that I thought was sure to be the end of my life. Three years of my life I had invested into someone else’s life. I wanted to be the one to make that one person better, stronger, happier. We had our moments. We had our laughs. We had our bad times. We had everything together. When he broke up with me, it felt like everything around me was a blur. I sat in the bath tub for an hour. I just sat there and had an H2O breakdown as I liked to call it on fb. I was a mess. Everything around me just did not make sense. I didn’t understand why after everything we had been through.. why did he leave? Everyone around me just kept telling me, “You’re too good for him” or “You’re better than he is, what is he doing with his life”.. but to be honest, I didn’t care. I used to stay with my friend Ashley all the time just because I didn’t want to go home and sleep in my empty house. I was truly depressed. The only thing I had ever loved more than my family and myself just up and left me. So I had been bitter. I avoided every place I thought he might be at. I erased every trace of him. I threw out all of his extra clothes. I put everything in trash bags and gave him all of his stuff. I stayed with friends. I avoided any opportunity for him to come lingering in my mind. I was tired of being a “sad weak bitter b_tch”
****
January 20, 2011
My 20th birthday. 20 on 20, such a boring number I thought. “Wow,” I thought in my head “this is going to be the worst birthday ever, my mom is gone and I really don’t have plans.” Little did I know, I was going to let everything go. I was going to come to peace with myself. I was not going to be bitter anymore. I could finally breathe. He text me to wish me a happy birthday and we finally got to talk about everything that had been on my shoulders for the past three years. Everything that had ever bothered me finally off my brain. Every insecurity I had ever felt, just gone. The greatest gift I got on my birthday was the peace and closure. It was not material, it was not planned.. it just happened. Tyler and I have finally closed the book. I don’t have any extra thoughts on my brain. I don’t have anymore regrets. I don’t have anymore bitter thoughts lingering through out my brain. I used to think “what-if” but not anymore. Sometimes people love you the best they can and sometimes their best is not what you imagine. I am blessed and glad that I had the opportunity to grow from all of the experiences and become a stronger person. Now, love can be let go — I released. <3
It’s been awhile since I have updated my blog, I’ve been super busy with school. I had a really good conversation with my friend last night about the way my life has been going lately and all that has happened since we last talked. He said to me, “You have to forgive people because if you don’t, it will turn into bitterness and then the bitterness will turn into hate.” I don’t think I’ve ever been so dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. I have walked around with this big wall up for who knows how long because I don’t want or know how to forgive people. In order to be at peace with myself, I need to forgive those who truly hurt me. I see the bigger picture now. I never let anyone get to close to me now, I still try to keep my guard up because I’ve known hurt. I’ve known sadness. I’ve known anger. I’ve known all of these negative emotions and they have shaped the person I have become today. I don’t trust too much of anyone. I stay to myself because it’s safe like that. It’s okay for me to be shut out from the rest of this city so I don’t have to see things that remind me of my past. It’s hard to forgive people who have lied to you, stole from you, been fake to you, broke your heart, etc. I feel like I’ve been through it all and it’s just so hard to let go of everything. I don’t know what I am afraid of? Not forgiving people is just keeping me in the past when I should be living for the future. When I try to find the root of this chaos, I think of one thing. When I think of that one thing, I feel all kinds of emotional. But, when I truly realize where all the bitterness comes from — it’s just because I cannot let go of what has already happened. Having all of this time to myself has been very beneficial. I have realized what my strengths and what my weaknesses are. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I guess to forgive, you have to believe. I believe that there are good hearted people out there that will always be there and have my back. I have to forgive all of the people I once knew too well. I have to forgive the hurt. I have to forgive the sadness. I have to forgive the anger. I mostly have to forgive myself, and I will. I always say, “You just have to keep moving” whenever I talk about something that let me down. That is exactly what I have done, I’ve kept moving. I’ve made new friends. I’ve met AMAZING people. I’m moving. I will continue to. Always.
