October 1, 2010

The day that I thought was sure to be the end of my life. Three years of my life I had invested into someone else’s life. I wanted to be the one to make that one person better, stronger, happier. We had our moments. We had our laughs. We had our bad times. We had everything together. When he broke up with me, it felt like everything around me was a blur. I sat in the bath tub for an hour. I just sat there and had an H2O breakdown as I liked to call it on fb. I was a mess. Everything around me just did not make sense. I didn’t understand why after everything we had been through.. why did he leave? Everyone around me just kept telling me, “You’re too good for him” or “You’re better than he is, what is he doing with his life”.. but to be honest, I didn’t care. I used to stay with my friend Ashley all the time just because I didn’t want to go home and sleep in my empty house. I was truly depressed. The only thing I had ever loved more than my family and myself just up and left me. So I had been bitter. I avoided every place I thought he might be at. I erased every trace of him. I threw out all of his extra clothes. I put everything in trash bags and gave him all of his stuff. I stayed with friends. I avoided any opportunity for him to come lingering in my mind. I was tired of being a “sad weak bitter b_tch”

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January 20, 2011

My 20th birthday. 20 on 20, such a boring number I thought. “Wow,” I thought in my head “this is going to be the worst birthday ever, my mom is gone and I really don’t have plans.” Little did I know, I was going to let everything go. I was going to come to peace with myself. I was not going to be bitter anymore. I could finally breathe. He text me to wish me a happy birthday and we finally got to talk about everything that had been on my shoulders for the past three years. Everything that had ever bothered me finally off my brain. Every insecurity I had ever felt, just gone. The greatest gift I got on my birthday was the peace and closure. It was not material, it was not planned.. it just happened. Tyler and I have finally closed the book. I don’t have any extra thoughts on my brain. I don’t have anymore regrets. I don’t have anymore bitter thoughts lingering through out my brain. I used to think “what-if” but not anymore. Sometimes people love you the best they can and sometimes their best is not what you imagine. I am blessed and glad that I had the opportunity to grow from all of the experiences and become a stronger person. Now, love can be let go — I released. <3